PCS advice: It's OK to want to go home

"In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." - John 16:33

Congratulations! 

Your orders are in, and you have one of the military's coveted "good deals:" Hawaii, Germany, Japan. Your friends are jealous as you imagine all kinds of travel, food, and new adventures.

Upon arrival, it seems like a weird, extended vacation as you figure out your new home. You tackle the language with enthusiasm. The food is amazing. And those little cars are so cute!

And then...
You find yourself sitting alone while the other moms chat at ballet in a language that still doesn't even sound like words. You want to make your husband his favorite meal but Italian sausage is nowhere to be found. And you scrape the rental car on the side of the garage because why is everything so tiny?! (All true stories)

The bubble bursts into a thousand tears into a big glass of wine. So like any woman, you call your mom/sister/best friend and declare you want to go home.

God bless them, they inevitably say: "Think about the opportunities!" If they weren't thousands of miles away, you would punch them in the face.

Opportunities! All I want is normal.

You hang up the phone and the next - unexpected - wave of emotion hits: guilt.

They are right. I have this great opportunity, why am I so miserable? Should I be more grateful? Am I not cut out for this military life? What's wrong with me?

Nothing.

You are amazing.

From one expat military wife to another, I hereby absolve you of all PCS guilt. 

All of us seem to feel this, but everyone is afraid to talk about it. So please know, there is no shame in your frustration and even in wanting to go home.

Moving - even in the States - is hard. New house, new friends, new schools. Then throw in language and culture and distance and it's enough to send the most resilient of us to the therapist - if you can find one that speaks English. 

It's OK to say Germany/Japan/Hawaii sucks. Because sometimes it does. One of my dear friends regularly says, "there are good German days and bad German days."

Over time, there will be more good than bad. After all, in Europe, ice cream or wine is almost always within walking distance. The church bells still ring every 15 minutes. And your kids will adapt far faster than you.

Sometimes you just need a good cry or a long walk. Talk to your spouse. Find another spouse who has been there. Exercise. Pray - I am the first to admit I haven't been as good at this. You don't have to be super creative. The rote prayers from childhood are sometimes best when we need something familiar.

I found the above verse on one of my bad German days. It reminds me everyone struggles, but we will come out the other side - stronger and better for the "opportunity." 

Rejoicing in routine

"Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving." - Colossians 4:2

Happy New Year! 

Today is the first Monday of 2016, which always feels like the first real day of the year. Husband returned to work. Kiddo goes back to school tomorrow, and I am praying for a sense of routine and normal.

A few months ago, my friend Katie posted this piece she called "The Thrill of the Dull and Mundane Life." I think she expected the title to be paradoxical, but to me it sounded an elusive dream. 

"On one of my hardest mornings," she wrote. "I waved goodbye to Andrew from the porch and, seeing a plane soar overhead, I cried because I wished so painfully that I were on it."

As I read that paragraph, I cried because I so wanted her normal routine of home and kids and school and church. 

For about six months, we have lived in a state of semi-controlled chaos. From learning of our new assignment, to moving to figuring out what it means to live abroad, nothing has been normal. Being in Europe is great, but despite my Facebook posts, it's not all travel and adventure. We have to LIVE here.

Everything -- from banking to grocery shopping to taking out the garbage - requires a language/cultural interpretation. Everything takes longer than I think it should. Those little things add up, so something as simple as looking at a cook book is likely to lead to frustration when I realize I can't get cheddar cheese or cream of chicken soup for a casserole.

A recent near-catastrophe at the bank reminded me of the power of gratitude. Once it was resolved, and I realized I had not in fact lost $1300, I went to the Christmas program at the Kindergarten. The kids sang, and we ate cookies, and I felt a renewed sense of thanksgiving. All of the other frustrations of the day melted away.

Paul wrote the above passage while he was in prison. He must have been frustrated and scared, but this chapter doesn't show it. Instead he speaks with confidence and thanksgiving that his ministry will continue. In thanksgiving, he keeps perspective on the mission.

I still pray for some sense of normal, and I'm hopeful that the new year will bring more routine. But my resolution is to live with more gratitude, and in this Year of Mercy, to pray for God's mercy. 

No matter where 2016 takes us, a spirit of thanksgiving means we will always feel God's blessings.

Introvert in an Extrovert job

"Jesus would often slip away into the wilderness and pray." - Luke 5:16

Jesus was the ultimate introvert in and extrovert's job. He wanted to be with the people and understood that as his calling, but knew the importance of sometimes stepping back and being alone.

A few years ago, I took the Myers-Briggs for work. My introvert result was no surprise, but even I was taken aback by how far it went. I had zero extrovert points, as in I might have been happy as a cloistered nun.

This is not to say I don't like people. I've made my career talking to people and listening to their stories, and I love it. But it's exhausting. After a few hours of people, I'm ready to slip away into the wilderness too.

Well, for most of the last two months we have lived in one room (yay! we finally made it to the house!). Since being in the house, I'm still a stay-at-home mom of a an extroverted 3-year-old. The Kindergartens here all have wait lists, so while we wait, the munchkin and I have lots of together time, with very little wilderness to be found. Of all the challenges this move has presented, this is the hardest for me.

I take comfort knowing Jesus sometimes had to escape too, so I shouldn't have to feel guilty. Jesus also gives the example of what to do -- pray. I'm still trying to figure out how. Today, I'm saying a prayer of thanksgiving that the little one decided to take a nap, which is a rare thing.

So, I come to you. How do you introverts find time to recharge in busy days?

All we have is faith

Note: I wrote this on the plane yesterday and I'll just leave it as is. When I'm a little more recovered form jet lag I'll write about the first couple days.

"We walk by faith and not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7

As we boarded the plane today, the words from Sunday's second reading rang particularly true. We don't really know anyone in the town we will be staying in Germany. We don't speak any German. We don't have a place to live. All of our worldly belongings - the things that make a place feel like home - and even the practical things like pots and pans are on a ship for the next 8 weeks or so.

All we can do is trust in God - that he has a reason for this move. We trust that he will send us people to help - and he already has.

Doing that as our plans take a turn is harder than it sounds. This move has made me realize the importance of my daily prayer life, which has largely been lacking, unless you count those said with our 3 year old at night.

Maintaining faith when your world turns upside down is no doubt easier if I practiced that daily prayer and commitment to Gods will. So I plan to start here on the plane. I ask St. Christopher to pray for us we travel and I ask God to help me use this journey as a way to get closer to him.