Train up a child in the way he should go; Even when he is old he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6
This month marks 16 years that our nation has been at war. Everyone is tired - our soldiers, their leaders, politicians and of course families.
Our military children struck me particularly hard this year - because they aren't all children anymore.
Think about it. All those "deployment babies" we winked and nodded over as members left for war in 2001 and came home in 2002 will be getting their drivers licenses this year.
They are nearly adults, yet in many ways they have been adults for a long time. Military life in general can be hard on kids - moving every few years, being far from extended family, knowing your parent's job always comes first.
Add to that 16 years of war. For their ENTIRE lives, these children watched their parents train for and then leave on deployments - now totalling 4, 6, 8 or more. They have spent an enormous percentage of their lives waiting and praying for Dad or Mom to come home safe. They have looked after younger siblings, looked after the remaining parent, taken on chores and worries no 15 year old should have to comprehend.
When they are little, most children know Dad is gone but they are shielded from the reality of war. Eventually, though, they know. They watch the news and hear the chatter. They know Mom is at risk even if she isn't a front-line soldier.
The best known parenting advice in the Bible tells us to train our children according to God's will. But I have to wonder in this environment, what are we teaching our kids?
In the best cases, they are resilient, patriotic and service-minded. That is certainly true of most military kids I know - they are amazing.
At worst, they are closed off and feel abandoned. Indeed, research shows military children are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, behavior problems and even substance abuse than civilian kids. The risk of maltreatment also escalates, when the remaining parent can't cope with stress.
The Department of Defense knows this, and it has tried to instill programs and training and awareness campaigns to build resilience and ensure stability in families. I commend them for that, but it is not a solution.
As conflicts continue to simmer around the world, and politicians throw around antagonizing words, please think about our kids. They did not ask for this. We do not yet know how it will change them as adults. I hope it is for the good.
In the meantime, spouses and families will be strong and work together and fill in the holes left by a parent missing ball games, holidays, and teaching you to drive.
"In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world." - John 16:33
Congratulations!
Your orders are in, and you have one of the military's coveted "good deals:" Hawaii, Germany, Japan. Your friends are jealous as you imagine all kinds of travel, food, and new adventures.
Upon arrival, it seems like a weird, extended vacation as you figure out your new home. You tackle the language with enthusiasm. The food is amazing. And those little cars are so cute!
And then...
You find yourself sitting alone while the other moms chat at ballet in a language that still doesn't even sound like words. You want to make your husband his favorite meal but Italian sausage is nowhere to be found. And you scrape the rental car on the side of the garage because why is everything so tiny?! (All true stories)
The bubble bursts into a thousand tears into a big glass of wine. So like any woman, you call your mom/sister/best friend and declare you want to go home.
God bless them, they inevitably say: "Think about the opportunities!" If they weren't thousands of miles away, you would punch them in the face.
Opportunities! All I want is normal.
You hang up the phone and the next - unexpected - wave of emotion hits: guilt.
They are right. I have this great opportunity, why am I so miserable? Should I be more grateful? Am I not cut out for this military life? What's wrong with me?
Nothing.
You are amazing.
From one expat military wife to another, I hereby absolve you of all PCS guilt.
All of us seem to feel this, but everyone is afraid to talk about it. So please know, there is no shame in your frustration and even in wanting to go home.
Moving - even in the States - is hard. New house, new friends, new schools. Then throw in language and culture and distance and it's enough to send the most resilient of us to the therapist - if you can find one that speaks English.
It's OK to say Germany/Japan/Hawaii sucks. Because sometimes it does. One of my dear friends regularly says, "there are good German days and bad German days."
Over time, there will be more good than bad. After all, in Europe, ice cream or wine is almost always within walking distance. The church bells still ring every 15 minutes. And your kids will adapt far faster than you.
Sometimes you just need a good cry or a long walk. Talk to your spouse. Find another spouse who has been there. Exercise. Pray - I am the first to admit I haven't been as good at this. You don't have to be super creative. The rote prayers from childhood are sometimes best when we need something familiar.
I found the above verse on one of my bad German days. It reminds me everyone struggles, but we will come out the other side - stronger and better for the "opportunity."
